New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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