my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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