I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
