I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Randomize
