I wish I could punch you in the face.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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