oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
