I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
