Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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