Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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