I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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