How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
