I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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