Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
