Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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