yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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