Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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