You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
