My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
