I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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