Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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