I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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