i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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