i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
