Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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