you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
