I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
