Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
