Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
