my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
