you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
