Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
