But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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