I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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