I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
