my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize