The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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