id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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