If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
