We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Randomize
