It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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