don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
