she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
