Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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