I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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