I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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