remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
