Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize