WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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