i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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