He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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