Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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