Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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