I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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