You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
