i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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