my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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