They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
