SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
