I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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