the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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