I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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