I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
